


Love is Worry.

by shinnyluvssuju



Category: Mötley Crüe
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:48:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21748555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinnyluvssuju/pseuds/shinnyluvssuju
Summary: It's not like the love that they showed us on T.VIt's a home that can burnIt's a limb to freezeIt's worryLove is worry.[...While you're alive, Jeff Rosenstock]
Relationships: Tommy Lee/Nikki Sixx
Comments: 10
Kudos: 50





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> Part 1 was written all in one day, courtesy of an illegal stimulant binge.   
> This is the companion piece to Heart Attack in Black Hair Dye. Part 2 will be posted hopefully tomorrow night, I just have a little bit left to work on. 
> 
> I apologize for the grammatical errors. I wrote this all on my phone, and I just couldnt wait until I got home to edit on the computer and post because im so excited to share this with you. I will edit ASAP and fix these little mistakes. I hope you can look past them and enjoy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's not like the love that they showed us on T.V  
> It's a home that can burn  
> It's a limb to freeze  
> It's worry  
> Love is worry.  
> [...While You're Alive, Jeff Rosenstock]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part one was written in one day thanks to a massive illegal stimulants binge.   
> Anyway, this is a companion piece to Heart Attack in Black Hair Dye. Part two will be posted most likely tomorrow night since it's almost done. I had a fucking BLAST writing this, and that's why I have posted it so quickly without thorough editing since I'm so excited to just show you guys this. I wrote it all on my phone so there's a few grammatical errors, but I hope you can look past them and still enjoy this story until I can hop on my computer and really edit it.

1978   
Kara is amazing. Shes super fun, laughs at all of Tommy's jokes, and doesn't mind getting up to some trouble. Today, she came over Tommy's house with her backpack slung over her shoulder, which was weird, because they never did homework together. When they go up to Tommy's bedroom, she explains. 

"Are your parents still going over your grandmas like you said they would?" she asks, putting her backpack on Tommy's bed. 

"Yeah, why?" he asks. "What's in the bag, booze?" 

Kara snickers, takes one of the items out, and holds it in front of Tommy proudly. "Porn." 

"No way!" Tommy exclaims, a shiteating grin on his face. "Dude, how the hell did you get this?" He takes the tape from her hand and stares at it, awestruck. 

"I stole it from my sisters room. I have like, five of them! When your parents leave, let's use the TV to watch them. You have a VHS player, right?" 

"Yeah," Tommy answers. "This is fuckin' crazy." He goes over to Kara's bag and looks at all the tapes. "Ew, gross! Why did your sister have this?" He shows her the offending tape. 

"I thought it would be hilarious!" she laughs. "And I dunno, maybe I'll think two guys having sex is hot, or something. The guys on the cover look cute." 

"So then what am I supposed to do while you watch it?" 

"Oh relax, having it on in the background wont turn you queer!" Kara giggled, slapping his arm. "Besides, I have plenty of tapes you'll like." 

They waited around until Tommy's parents left and the living room was all clear. When it was, they excitedly brought their stash downstairs, giggling all the way how children do when they know they're doing something wrong and getting away with it. 

"How about we watch this one first?" Kara suggests, holding up the tape with the gay guys on it. 

"Ugh, do we have to?" Tommy groaned. 

"It only makes sense to watch it first, since you wont even like it anyway. If we watch it last, it'll kill your boner." She has a point. Tommy reluctantly gives in, and she pops in the tape. 

They're laying on the couch together, Kara snuggled at Tommy's side with her arms around his torso. They sit through the exposition with the terrible porno acting, and then the men start to kiss. "This is worse than I though," Tommy whines, making a noise of disgust. 

"I dunno," Kara says. Her eyes are glued to the screen. "I think it's kinda sexy..." 

Tommy sees an opportunity. "Oh yeah?" He sits up, making Kara follow suit. "Then how about you give me something to do, and..." He slowly puts his hand on Kara's breast. "Let me touch you while you watch." 

Kara nods happily and finally Tommy doesn't have to watch the weird scene unfolding in front of him. Instead he plays with Kara's nipple as he slides his hand down her pants. Shes already so wet. Tommy's fingering her and kissing her neck as she watches the video, her moans high pitched and beautiful doing a great job of drowning out the TV. Looking to see if they were anywhere near to switching to a better porno, he looks at the screen. 

No wonder men are supposed to be with women, he thinks. The men just look so out of place together. One of them is now fucking the other, and the guy on the bottom is grasping him by the shoulders and making a hell of a lot of noise for a guy. It just looks so icky and unnatural that Tommy wonders how anybody could be into this. Then again, maybe if he was a girl it would be different. 

The tape finally ends and Tommy picks the one that caught his eye right away; the cover has a blonde woman with huge tits wearing fishnet stockings and black, lacey lingerie. Kara is getting down on her knees and as the movie starts she begins sucking him off. Tommy thinks this is fucking paradise as he watches the woman get fucked from behind by some man barely in frame and Kara taking Tommy's entire length into her mouth. She gags and the sensation drives him crazy. Between the wet sounds from Kara's mouth, the moaning from the TV and the sound of his heartbeat blaring through his ears, it isnt long before Tommy comes in Kara's mouth, who does something shes never done before: swallows. 

A week after their day of sexual exploration, Tommy bolts awake at 2:36 in the morning on Wednesday. His breathing is heavy, hes sweating, and for a second he cant recall what made him jolt so quickly out of sleep. That is, until he sees his own leaking erection. Then it hits him, and the horrific wet dream flashes before his eyes. 

_Hes sitting somewhere, getting a blowjob. It feels amazing. Hes gripping his chair tightly, knuckles going white as he says to the person, "Yeah, fuck, your mouth feels so good." Hes in complete ecstasy, actually. Then the person giving him the blowjob comes into view. It's a man. He sort of looks like one of the guys from Kara's porno. His lips are slick with saliva as they slide up and down Tommy's length. Tommy's hand goes down to grab his hair, pushing his head to move at a faster pace. The man obeys, and --_

Tommy feels a little sick. The version of himself in the dream had enjoyed it, wanted it. Was that really him? Did he dream about it because secretly, deep down, that's what he really wants? He lays motionless and just thinks. Tommy pictures the man from the dream. He asks himself if the person hes imagining is attractive. The man isnt revolting, Tommy decides, but he doesnt feel the way he feels when he looks at Kara. He thinks again. Maybe this man just... isnt his type? He tries to conjure up a vision of a man that might be his type. A bit slimmer, hair a little longer, sharper features, a more alternative style... Tommy focuses on this person he has imagined, and asks himself the same question as before. This time though, his mind answers uncontrollably. Yes. 

Theres no way. It cant be. Tommy decides that maybe hes just acknowledging that this man is good looking. Hes not blind, he can see when someone is ugly or not. Attraction, however, is different. Attraction isnt just knowing someone isnt ugly. Attraction is wanting to fuck them. Despite his growing discomfort, Tommy now imagines the man naked. He isnt disliking it. He doesnt necessarily want to wipe the imagine from his mind as soon as possible. 

Theres only one test left that will decide things for Tommy. To truly know if he wants to fuck this imaginary person, he has to... well, imagine it. He thinks back to his dream and replaces the porno guy with this new guy of his own design. In seconds, hes hard again. Too caught up in the fantasy, he adds more to it. 

_He faces Tommy and kisses him. It's slow and sensual. Tommy can taste himself on the man's tongue. He's removing Tommy's shirt, then his own, then his pants. Tommy runs his fingers over the man's rib cage and he smiles. His smile lights up the whole room. Never breaking eye contact, he straddles Tommy and sinks slowly down onto his spit-slick cock._

Tommy closes his eyes and brings his hand down to stroke himself. 

_Hes so tight, and Tommy's eyes roll back into his head when hes all the way in. The man is riding him, hair messed up and in his face as he bounces up and down. Tommy's hands are on his hips. Hes thrusting upwards in time with the mans rhythm, slamming deep inside every time. The man is kissing Tommy passionately. He stops to tell Tommy how good his dick feels inside of him, how it's so big and how hes getting so close to coming._

Tommy covers his own mouth as he jerks off furiously. He wants to cry out so bad. His hand moves as fast as possible, and he cums on his stomach with a shaky exhale. He grabs a few tissues and cleans himself off. The blast of serotonin from the orgasm starts to wear off when he lays down and catches his breath. 

He decides to act like it never happened. He tells himself this every time he returns to the same fantasy alone and horny. 

1980  
The fact that Nikki Sixx is the epitome of human perfection is really turning Tommy into a grade A fool. Hes never had problems talking to people, hes never been shy or flustered or so self conscious around a person. Hes all of these things when he tries to talk to Nikki. It's starting to get frustrating. 

He runs into Nikki at the Rainbow after London played a gig at the Whiskey. Tommy sees him from across the room and knows he has to go over there and talk to him. How many times will he get a chance to hang out with someone from his favorite band? His stomach is in knots from the nerves, but his feet carry him to the other side of the bar. 

Tommy's trying to mentally rehearse what hes gonna say, but he approaches Nikki before he can get it down. He clears his throat, and Nikki looks at him. "Great show tonight man!" Tommy says. "I see all your shows. You guys rock." 

"Oh," Nikki says, draining the shot glass in his hand and slamming it onto the bar. He does the liquor like a champ. He doesnt cringe at all. "Thanks, appreciate it." 

"I've got your poster on my bedroom wall," Tommy blurts out, and he instantly wishes he hadnt. What a creepy fucking thing to say. Why on earth did his brain make him do that? Nikki looked at him strangely and Tommy knows he has to change the subject, and fast, or else Nikki is gonna think hes a serial killer and never talk to him again. Think Tommy, think. "Uh, Forgotten is my favorite song, you guys usually dont play it. I'm glad you did this time." 

Nikki is looking at Tommy as if he'd just been asked a difficult question and hes thinking carefully about the answer. Tommy is fidgeting with his belt loop and praying that Nikki will say something, anything. Finally, he does. "You really like that song?" 

Perfect topic change. "Dude, hell yeah! It rocks! And the lyrics are so... I dunno man, real? And honest. I love the songs about chicks and booze, dont get me wrong, but you guys are also good at the serious types of songs, y'know?" 

Nikki's lips go up into a small smirk. "Its different because I wrote it." 

Tommy sits down on the stool next to Nikki. "For real? Fuck, they should have you write more often! You're an amazing songwriter, man!" 

Nikki chuckles and looks down. His black bangs cover most of his eyes. Only a tinge of green and brown can be seen through the fringe. "Thank you. I write a lot actually. They just dont really think most of them are London's style." Nikki's eyes dart around the room, and then he leans closer to Tommy, voice low. "I havent told the guys this yet, but tomorrow I'm quitting. I'm gonna find a new band that appreciates the stuff I make, so I can put all of these songs to use." 

"Quitting?" Tommy asks. "Fuck... they wouldnt be the same without you. But man, I can only imagine what you could do with another band. If your other songs are anything like Forgotten, you guys are gonna kill." Nikki laughs. He keeps staring at Tommy like hes sizing him up. "Are you gonna sing?" 

Nikki snorts. "Me? Sing? Hell no. I play bass, and I write. That's where I like to be, in the background. And that's where I'll stay. I don't care if somebody else sings the songs, I just want people to hear 'em." 

"I play drums!" Tommy says quickly. Realizing he sounds like an eager idiot, he tones it down a little. "I mean, I was in Suite 19, but we went our separate ways. So I'm, I'm available. If you havent found another drummer yet." 

Nikki ponders this for a second. He looks up at Tommy and smiles. It knocks the wind right out of Tommy's lungs. "A drummer, huh? What's your name?" 

"Tommy. Tommy Bass." 

Nikki's expression is unreadable, and Tommy wishes he could hear his thoughts. Nikki runs a hand through his hair and takes a breath. "You got time to be in a band?" 

"Yeah! I got plenty of time! I just finished school so I dont have anything in my way!" 

"You went to college?" Nikki asks. 

Tommy clears his throat and rubs the back of his neck. "Uh, high school. I just finished high school." 

Nikki freezes. "You're only eighteen?" 

"Seventeen," Tommy answers sheepishly. "Even though I'm young though, I'm like, still really good. I can play man, honest." 

Nikki orders another shot and throws it back. He sits there contemplative for an uncomfortably long time, until looking back at Tommy to say, "Well, we can lie about your age." 

Tommy's smiling so hard it hurts. "Are you saying I'm in?" 

Nikki chuckles. "I gotta hear you play first. And if you're as good as you say you are, then you're in." 

The next day he borrows his dads car, drum kit in tow, to audition for Nikki Sixx's new band. Nikki helps Tommy bring all his shit into the tiny apartment, and helps him set the drums up. "Okay," Nikki says when everything's all set. He goes over to sit on the couch. "Show me what you got, kid." 

Tommy prepared three songs to show Nikki. After the first one, Nikki tells him hes in. 

After the successful audition, they drink straight Jack Daniel's on Nikki's couch in celebration. Nikki is babbling on about all of his ideas and his vision for the new band. Nikki is so passionate. The love he has for music shines through his skin, and Tommy is amazed. He can see now that Nikki's potential is endless. Nikki has a whole lot of dreams. Tommy wants to help him make them a reality. It would be an honor, a privilege, to be a part of it all. 

Nikki shows Tommy the notebook he writes all his band ideas in. Hes sketched set design ideas, costumes, and potential album covers. As he flips through the pages, Tommy sees where he's written some lyrics. "Can I see your songs?" Tommy asks. 

Nikki looks hesitant, but nods and gives the notebook to Tommy. He flips through to a song written in scratchy black letters. The words are a bit smudged, but still legible. As Tommy reads it Nikki looks at the ground, picking at his cuticles.

Stunned, Tommy puts the notebook in his lap. "That was... heavy." 

"Yeah, that one isnt my best, it's kind of shitty and--" 

"Dude," Tommy interjects, putting his hands on Nikki's shoulders. "The song rocks. Its fucking awesome." 

Nikki bites his lip for a moment. "You dont have to say that just to make me feel better or anything." 

"I'm not just saying that," Tommy promises. "I honestly love it. And I know you can make that into a kick ass song." They're staring at each other and Tommy realizes hes had his hands on Nikki for quite a long time, longer than what might be considered casual, and pulls them away. 

Nikki exhales loudly and taps on his thighs. There's awkwardness in the air, but Nikki coughs and goes back to the subject at hand. "I uh... I never really showed anyone my notebook like this. I'm always kinda shy about showing people my ideas. So... thanks for being so nice. It means a lot." 

They drink some more and talk about their favorite bands. Nikki asks him if he likes T Rex, and Tommy lies saying he does. In actuality hes never heard any of their music, but Nikki likes them so much, and Tommy is desperate for Nikki's approval. Nikki says his favorite song off The Slider is Main Man, and Tommy feigns surprise. "Dude, mine too!" 

The alcohol is really setting in, and it gives Tommy the courage to ask a question he'd been curious about since the first time he listened to The Forgotten. He asks Nikki what the song is about. Nikki's demeanor changes, and he looks reluctant, but decides to give Tommy what he asked for. 

Nikki explains that the main inspiration was his time growing up in Idaho. He tells Tommy that he was raised mostly by his grandparents because he didnt get along with his mother, and his dad left them when he was a baby. His grandparents lived in the middle of nowhere, so he spent a lot of time by himself just walking along the rural roads. The parts of the song about loneliness were taken from how he felt on those walks, no one but himself and the night sky. 

"I'd be all alone," Nikki slurs. "And I'd like... just wonder why my mom sent me away. I used to think... how come nobody wants me?" 

Tommy stares at the ground attempting to absorb it all. Suddenly the person he saw as his idol is breaking down in front of him. Nikki isn't an idol anymore, hes just a human with a life that has problems like everyone else. Tommy doesnt look down on him for it. Quite the opposite. "You're a really strong person," Tommy says. He really means it. 

It's as if Nikki has now realized what hes just confessed, and he looks mortified. "Fuck," he mutters, putting his hand on his forehead. "Why did I just tell you that?" Tommy has no idea what to say. Nikki sighs and looks at him. "If you like... think I'm some fucking... faggy loser for being like this, I get it." 

Tommy shakes his head. "Nikki, no way. You're like, my hero." 

Nikki smiles. Then he laughs. A wave of affections rushing through Tommy, and he laughs along with Nikki. He likes the way Nikki's eyes change color depending on how the light hits them. He likes staring at Nikki, and likes having Nikki stare at him. He knows it's not possible, but he wishes it would never end. Soon it does in fact end, and Nikki gets up to put on a record. It's very chill and mellow, something Tommy's never heard before. Hes getting drowsy, his eyes begin to shut, and before Tommy knows it hes passed out on Nikki's sofa. 

When he wakes up, it takes him a sec to adjust to his surroundings. Hes a little embarrassed that he got so drunk he passed out, but then he sees Nikki on the other side of the couch asleep as well. It makes him smile. He doesnt want to take apart his drum kit and wake Nikki up with the noise, so he decides to get it all some other time. He walks out the door, shutting it softly, and makes his way home. 

1981   
Voula Bass wouldnt consider herself a snoop. She only happened to be putting freshly folded towels in the closet when she heard her teenage son talking quietly on the phone. She puts the towels away one by one as slowly as possible to try and listen in a bit. 

"Im visiting my mom. Yeah, I wish I could, but... I really dont think I can see you until Friday night. I know, I'm sorry. You know how much I miss you all the time." Voula raises an eyebrow. Possibly a new girlfriend? Its very likely. Her son seems to switch girlfriends weekly. Shes happy theres a new one now, because the girl Tommy's been bringing over isnt her favorite. She doesnt really have much of a personality, and she isnt that polite. But, she is pretty, and Voula knows her son well enough to know that's all he really seems to look for. 

"I do, for real," Tommy continues. He sounds so genuine. "I miss you like crazy. I dunno, you just... you make everything better. Like when we're together... nothing else matter except being together." Her son sounds shy! This isnt like him. Whoever this girl is must have a real hold on him. "Nikki, come on, I'm not lying..." Nikki. Huh. Guess her name is Nicole. "I know, I cant wait till Friday. Its gonna suck to wait. But just hang in there for me, Nik. Just three more days and you've got me all to yourself." Tommy practically giggles like a schoolgirl! "Alright alright, I'll let you go. I miss you. Ha, shut up. Okay okay, bye Nikki." Voula hears Tommy hang up the phone, and she quickly flees the scene. 

That night she slides into bed with a smug smile. Her husband glances at her. "What's on your mind?" he asks, amused. 

"You have to promise to keep secret." 

He chuckles. "Yes, I promise." 

"I hear our Tommy on the telephone today." She puts a hand on his chest. "He has new girlfriend. I even hear the name. Nicole. He sound so in love. 'Oh Nikki, I miss you!' 'I want to see you!' Very cute." 

David laughs and shakes his head. "That's how he acts with every girl he sees. Why do you think this time is different." 

"A woman knows these things!" Voula insists. "It sound different. Special. You wait, that girl is going to be in his future." 

"Okay darling," he smiles, rolling over on his side and drifting off to sleep. 

Tommy and Nikki have found a guitarist. Hes weird as fuck, and hes amazing. His name is Mick Mars. Hes kind of old, somewhere in his thirties, but it doesnt hinder him from playing like a guitar god that fell to earth. Despite his age hes still got the look, and hes one scary motherfucker. Mick is perfect. 

They're still missing a singer, but Tommy is working on getting his old high school buddy Vince to fill the position. In the meantime they're cranking out songs like nobody's business. The ideas are coming fast, everybody is on the same page, and their dream is actually maybe within reach. Things are killer. Except for one thing. 

Nikki is hanging out with this chick Samantha quite a bit. Shes an okay person, but shes always over the apartment Tommy now shares with Nikki super late at night blabbering on and on with her big loud voice. Her laugh is pretty obnoxious too. And when Nikki's fucking her? You guessed it. Shes horrifically loud. It drives Tommy insane. There's one thing worse than not having sex, and that's being in a room next to somebody and hearing them have sex. 

Usually when Nikki goes out, Tommy is always invited along. But ever since Samantha came into the picture, Nikki is going out with her and never extending the invite. Tommy is too scared to bring it up, so he just stews about it by himself. He and his last girlfriend just broke up, so he cant even have loud sex of his own to make it even. To avoid getting angry he just focuses on his music, making sure to always have something new to show the guys every day that'll knock their socks off. 

Nikki tells Tommy that Samantha thinks hes hot. Tommy thinks it over; Samantha isnt Nikki's girlfriend, so technically he could get in there if he wanted to. But then he remembers her dumb laugh and how she never invites him to come out with her and Nikki and-- "Haha, cool man, but she isnt really my type." Nikki raises an eyebrow in confusion and laughs it off. 

The situation changes, however, when a shitfaced Nikki comes into his room one night and says something that nearly knocks Tommy unconscious. 

"I know you don't think Samantha is that hot, but she just told me she wants to have a threesome with me and you. Isn't that crazy?"

It is crazy. Tommy's brain is going a mile a minute, and despite a few apprehensions his penis makes the decision for him. "Dude no way! I've never had a threesome before!" 

"Me either. But I figure if I'm with my best friend, it wont be THAT weird. What do you say?"

So that's how they end up in Nikki's bed with Samantha laying on her back between them. Nikki's between her legs eating her out while she sucks Tommy's dick. Tommy is completely bewildered. At first hes a little shy in front of Nikki, but Nikki doesnt seem weirded out. Nikki thinks it's okay to express his pleasure in the current situation, so Tommy follows suit. The girl can really suck dick, and hes trying his best to keep his mind somewhere else so he doesn't cum. His eyes wander around the room. For a split second, they fall on Nikki. 

Maybe Tommy's making this up, because it sounds too crazy to be real, but in that second he looks at Nikki, Nikki is looking at him too. Those piercing eyes are staring right into his as Nikkis tongue works on Samantha's clit. He sees Nikki's grip on Samantha's thighs tighten. Tommy quickly averts his eyes and then decides to shut them all together. Samantha's mouth moves to his balls and he lets out a moan, throwing his head back and putting in just a little bit of effort to look conventionally sexy. He wonders if Nikki is still watching him. 

"You two should kiss." 

Nikki comes up from between her legs. He tilts his head slightly to the side. "What?" Nikki asks. "You'd be into that?"

Tommy sees her nod enthusiastically. His stomach does a back flip and he doesnt want to look at Nikki to see his reaction, but he makes himself. Hes gotta stay cool. 

Nikki is looking at him expectantly, waiting for Tommy to go for it or flat out refuse. He looks back at Samantha who looks completely unraveled, panting and staring at them hungrily. He thinks back to Kara in that moment, which is weird considering he hadnt thought of Kara in ages. But he remembers the gay porno that made her all hot and bothered, and thought hey, what's the harm in putting on a little performance for a woman that wants you to fuck her? So seeing dudes kiss makes her hot, whatever. It's just kissing anyway. That's not so bad. He looks back at Nikki who is still waiting for a response. Tommy shrugs. Nikki takes this for a green light, scootches over to the other side of the bed and leans in towards him. 

Without any hesitation Nikki's mouth smashes into his. Tommy is surprised, and shuts his eyes quickly. Nikki isnt really moving his lips too much, probably stage fright. Probably awkwardness that Tommy is sure as hell feeling too. Tommy doesnt want to seem too into it, but Nikki really needs a push to get started, so Tommy opens his mouth and forces his tongue between Nikki's lips. He tangles his fingers in Nikki's hair and drags him closer for good measure. Nikki seems a little stunned, but he starts kissing back to the same degree. Samantha is moaning loudly and most likely touching herself. Apparently this is encouraging for Nikki, who decides to take a little control. He puts a strong hand around Tommy's neck. The pressure isnt enough to choke Tommy, but it's enough to let Tommy know that the power has shifted. Tommy's heart is beating a million miles a second. When Nikki bites his lip he almost makes a sound, but kills it at the last second. Then Samantha moans out "fuck me", and everything goes back to normal. 

Nikki pulls away and theres a dangerous fire in those eyes. "You do it," he says. Tommy doesnt question it. He just does. 

Hes fucking her hard while Nikki gets sucked off. So much is going on, so many sounds of breathing and skin on skin and wetness and the moaning, it's too much. He takes one more glance at Nikki, whose attention is on his blowjob as he holds Samantha by the hair and fucks her mouth mercilessly. Tommy can't take it. His hips stutter and he comes. He doesnt pull out of her until he sees Nikki tense up, let out the most sinful groan, and come in her mouth. She swallows and licks up every last bit on his cock. Tommy cant think, like, at all. He pulls out and takes off the condom. When he gets up to throw it away he hears Samantha laugh and say how amazing that just was. 

They get cleaned up, dressed, and as if they had just had a completely normal interaction, they see her out and say goodbye. 

Nikki is completely stoked on the whole thing. Tommy thanks him a bunch of times for letting him fuck Samantha. Nikki says of course, you're my best friend, I'll share anything with you. 

Tommy goes to bed that night with a feeling of absolute dread. He knows this is gonna end up bad. He knows because he cant stop remembering Nikki's eyes and his tongue and his fingers. The image of Nikki's naked body is plastered into his brain. It's all he can think about as he starts to touch himself. Tommy just wants to get off again so he starts fast. He can almost feel Nikki's fingers around his throat as his breath hitches, taste Nikki's mouth, hear the sounds he makes. He busts a nut in record time. 

This is gonna end up bad. 

Tommy, not known for his self control, cant help himself. Days later he decides hes gonna make a move on Nikki. Well, making a move might be too much. He simply wants to see if maybe, just maybe... Nikki would want to kiss him again. It's a risk, a huge one, but Tommy feels like he'll die if he doesnt get this out of his head. Even if Nikki says no, at least this whole thing will be over. 

Nikki falls asleep on the couch and Tommy let's him stay there for a while before he turns off the movie they were watching and nudges Nikki awake. He tells a groggy Nikki to get into bed, and he does, only Tommy follows Nikki to his dark room. 

It all happens in a blur. One second Tommy finally spits out what's been eating him alive, and the next second, Nikki is kissing him. It's actually happening. Though absolutely terrifying at first, it soon becomes way too easy. Tommy feels something, something crazy like his mouth was made for Nikkis or whatever, and he cant stop himself. His hand makes an executive decision to travel lower. Nikki freezes. He asks Tommy if he really wants to do this. Tommy says yes. Nikki looks nervous but also like he really wants this just as badly as Tommy does. When he takes off Nikkis belt and jeans, he gives Nikki one more chance to back out and says, "Tell me if you want me to stop." Nikki says nothing, and Tommy pulls down Nikki's underwear while Nikki takes off Tommy's belt. 

Nikki is kissing him forcefully as they stroke each other. Tommy isnt sure if he should let himself moan because Nikki isnt. All he can hear is Nikki's sporadic breathing, and Tommy swears he can feel Nikki's racing pulse when he puts a hand to his neck. Tommy's body is on fire. He cant believe this is really happening. Hes hooking up with his best friend. Hes hooking up with his best friend who just so happens to be Nikki fucking Sixx, the most perfect person on the planet. It cant be real. But it is. 

They both finish quickly and slowly come back down to earth. When they arrive, what just happened hits them like a truck. Nikki looks like maybe he'll say something to put them both at ease, but instead he just leaves. Tommy is left there wondering what the hell just happened, and what the hell is going to happen. 

Nikki pops his head in Tommy's room a few hours later. Hes exhausted. "Did we just ruin everything?" he asks. 

Tommy feels broken seeing Nikki so distressed. He shakes his head. "No, Nik. Everythings okay." 

The event marks the start of a strange new thing between them. Nikki begins to kiss him regularly. He also doesnt mind when Tommy comes up behind him to wrap his arms around Nikki's waist and kiss his neck. It only happens when nobody is around, of course, but Tommy doesnt really care. For two men with the reputation of being giant sluts, they actually move quite slowly. It's a week before Nikki gathers up the courage to ask Tommy if he could blow him. It makes Tommy laugh because they're being so careful with this thing they have, as if it's something delicate that will break unless they treat it with extreme caution. Tommy has never wanted to be this cautious with somebody, until now. Tommy says of course, yes. Nikki says to tell him if he does a shitty job. Tommy cant ever imagine that happening but nods anyway. Then it happens. Nikki spits on his cock and a rush of pleasure runs through Tommy's spine. Eye contact isn't broken for a second as Nikki wraps his mouth around Tommy and slowly takes him in. Nikki doesnt take him in all the way, but he gets pretty damn close and Tommy doesnt care. Since they had been getting a bit more comfortable with the whole moaning in front of each other thing, Tommy lets one go. This gets Nikki so aroused that he moans too, only the moan is around Tommy's cock and it sounds and feels more perfect than anything ever. Tommy doesnt feel like controlling himself and grabs hold of Nikki's soft hair tightly. "Nikki," he pants. "Stop, I'm gonna cum." Nikki is staring at him, but doesn't stop. He just keeps going, and knowing that when he comes itll end up in Nikki's mouth Tommy yells out his name and finishes. When Nikki doesnt spit it out, Tommy groans with lust. But then Nikki stands up and puts his lips on Tommy's, and when Tommy opens his mouth it becomes flooded with something warm and weird and-- jesus. Holy shit. 

Nikki has fucking snowballed him without warning. Tommy's never done this with anyone before, and never really felt the need to try. He has no choice now but to participate, and ignoring the unpleasant taste of cum he keeps it in his mouth as he kisses Nikki. It swaps between them a few times, and when Nikki finally swallows Tommy does too. When the kiss breaks Tommy looks at Nikki with absolute surprise. Nikki laughs mischeviously and takes a seat. "Now you get on your fucking knees and suck my dick," he commands, taking on an air of dominance. Tommy will do anything if Nikki asks like that. 

Tommy and Nikki pass out on the couch afterwards. Tommy is seconds away from sleep when he swears he can hear Nikki whisper, "You're so important to me." 

Two weeks later Nikki is searching for a Mott the Hoople record with no luck. "You let me borrow it a while ago, remember?" Tommy reminds him. Nikki looks relieved. 

"Fuck, thank god. I thought I lost it. Can I have it?" 

"I think it's in my room at my parents house. We can go over there and get it if you want." 

Nikki isn't thrilled at this prospect. "Will anyone be home?" he asks. 

"Nah," Tommy lies. "Let's go." 

They hop in Nikkis recently bought junk heap of a car and arrive at the Bass residence late afternoon. Tommy knows his father works at this time, and his sister moved out a year ago. Only his mother is home right now, and shes easy to deal with. They knock on the door and Tommy's mother answers. 

"Tommy!" she exclaims. She looks so damn happy as she grabs Tommy's face to kiss him on the cheek. "You did not call! This is surprise! Come in!" 

"My bad for not giving you a heads up," Tommy laughs. "But I just need to grab a record from my room to give to this guy." He motions dramatically at Nikki. "Mom, this is my roommate slash bass master, the Sixxter." 

Nikki rolls his eyes and smiles. "Nice to meet you Mrs. Bass," he says, extending a hand for her to shake. "I'm Nikki." 

Voula is temporarily stunned. She stares at this person that has just revealed himself to be the object of her son's affection. Is this really... THE Nikki? she thinks as she looks the boy up and down. His hair is long, messy and black. Hes wearing a ripped up shirt underneath a worn black leather jacket. His jeans are skin tight. His boots are dirty. As to not be impolite, she saves her thoughts for later and shakes Nikki's hand. "Very nice to meet you, Nikki," she says. 

"We're just gonna go upstairs, mom!" Tommy motions for Nikki to follow, and they disappear. 

Voula goes to the kitchen and pours herself a glass of wine. She leans against the counter top and tries to process all of this new information. She takes a few sips and sighs. _He does have a beautiful smile_ , she thinks. _And those eyes... who couldn't fall for those?_


	2. Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i'm so fuckin chaotic alright but LET ME EXPLAIN, PLS  
> This was originally gonna be just two parts but then I couldn't stop writing so now it's 3 OKAY I'M SORRY   
> And I know I have to update rebel rebel soon but I just got a new full time job that is ripping out my soul so please continue being patient with me, i'm real sorry about the delay   
> Anywho we're halfway done with LOW let's fuckin go

1985   
It all happens so fast. First it's the exposure. The shows sell out every night, and you cant walk down the street without somebody recognizing you and asking for an autograph. Then it's the money. No, not just a couple thousand here and there, the real money. It's the moment you make your first million, the moment you buy a car without looking at the price. When you visit a city, decide you wanna live there, and buy a beachfront house on a whim. After the money comes the hardest part. You start to develop a reputation you must maintain. Reputation is everything. Reputation pays the bills. Playing the music is easy. Playing the part is a little harder. 

Things change before Tommy even knows it. The people change even faster. There are only a few things Tommy can rely on to always be by his side; his music, his band, his family, and Nikki. 

It's not like they talked it over one day and decided "hey, let's always cheat on our girlfriends with each other." Its always just sort of... implied. It's more of a problem for Tommy, who seems to attract these clingy girls and doesnt have the heart to turn them away. Nikki is very good at saying no and keeping to himself. Tommy assures Nikki over and over again that these girls are just for the image. Nikki understands this. 

Its gotta be because he knows he has Tommy in a way that no random groupie ever could. He doesnt just have Tommy's body, he has his devotion, his daily presence. Nikki has had these things since Tommy was practically a kid. Who could compete with that? 

Tommy also hopes that Nikki knows nothing will ever mean more to Tommy than when they're alone together. No one is even close to being like Nikki. Sex with women seems to have become simply routine, but with Nikki everything is exciting and adventurous and different. Nikki can be desperate and submissive, especially when hes wasted. He can also take charge in an instant, making Tommy his whore and putting him in a position hes never been in with anyone else. Sometimes Nikki is a little reserved and insecure, while other times he'll look right at Tommy and say whatever disgusting and erotic things he pleases. 

Sometimes they let "I love you" slip out and never mention it in the morning. 

The band's new favorite rehearsal space is run by this guy Brian, who happens to be a huge fan of them. He treats them real well, always making sure they get whatever they need the second they need it. During breaks he sits down with them, smokes a few butts, and asks them how the new musics coming. They all quite look forward to having him help out. 

The guy who owns the rehearsal space is another story. Hes just some rich corporate fat cat that rubs everybody the wrong way, and treats Brian like shit. Hes always got some trophy girlfriend in tow that he gropes in front of everybody making things a little weird. Theyve run into a lot of types like him though, and these types are unfortunately unavoidable in their business. 

Corporate fat cat calls them up that morning and offers to have Motley come by an hour early, free of charge, and show them some new additions to the studios and rehearsal rooms. The guys get there at twelve instead of one and fat cat shows them all the shiny new toys. They quickly get finished with that and are happy to have an extra half hour to practice. Fat cat walks them to their usual rehearsal room, goes to open the door for them, but its locked. That's a bit unusual. He pulls out a key, unlocks it, and the door opens. 

"Woah!" they all hear Vince exclaim in surprise. Hes the first one in the room so they arent sure what's spooked him until-- 

"I fucking knew it!" fat cat yells at Brian with quite a bit of disdain. "What the hell are you thinking? You get paid to work here, not to hook up here!" 

Brian was banging a chick in there? Ha, go Brian! Tommy thinks. He hurries in there to see if he can grab a look, and when he does... he realizes why everyone is so shocked. 

Brian has a dude in there with him. It doesnt look like they were banging since all clothing is still on. "L-let me explain," Brian stutters. The really girly looking guy with him is staring at the ground absolutely mortified. "Nothing happened, I just--" 

"You cant tell me nothing happened! I saw you kissing that man! What is there to explain?" 

Brian's boyfriend (?) has had enough, and still avoiding eye contact with everybody bolts towards the door. Mick steps out of his way. 

"T-they arent booked until one!" Brian protests. "I didnt know anyone was gonna be here!" 

"Hang out with other faggots on your own time, in the privacy of your own home." Tommy tries not to visibly cringe. "You've not only made me look bad, made my business look bad, you've also disgusted our clients!" 

The silence is awful. Nikki opens his mouth, probably to say something like "dont speak for us" or "we actually dont care, we like Brian", but in the end he cant. He bites his tongue in self loathing. Tommy wants to stand up for Brian, say something to make them all look less like cowards. He cant. 

"You're fired," fat cat spits. "Get the hell out of here and dont come back." 

Brian hangs his head and leaves. It's the last they'll ever see of him. 

Fat cat turns his attention back to the band. "Fellas, I'm so sorry you had to walk in on something like that. I hope you still want to go through with rehearsal." 

"Of course we do," Mick says. 

"Good. I'm glad you're not judging my operation by one bad part. I appreciate it." He claps Vince on the shoulder. "Will you guys be okay without someone helping you out? Just for today. We're hiring a replacement immediately." 

"We should be fine," Vince answers. 

Fat cat leaves, and no one really knows what to say. Mick breaks the silence. "Its gonna suck without Brian." 

"I know," Vince says. Nikki goes to hook up his bass to his amp and tune. Tommy watches him from behind his drums. "He was cool. Didnt even seem like a fag." Nikkis fingers tighten abruptly around his instrument. "Not like it matters, but what the boss says goes, I guess." 

During break while Mick and Vince eat pizza, Nikki and Tommy go sit in Nikki's car. They go there to do lines in private. The other guys don't mind coke one bit, but they do mind throwing smack into the mix. When they wanna snort some speedballs, they just do it away from Mick and Vince. Out of sight out of mind. 

Nikki aggressively cuts lines on the center console. Tommy doesnt wanna prod, but his worry gets the best of him. "What's on your mind?" he asks, already knowing. 

All of Nikkis pent up anger finally explodes. "The fucking owner, man. What an absolute prick! Brian did his job damn well and gets canned just because he gets caught kissing somebody? It's not like they were full on fucking! And where does that asshole get off on acting like hes high and mighty, when he fucking assaults women right in front of us! He does much worse every day than what he fired Brian for." Nikki inhales a line and passes the straw to Tommy. 

"He doesnt care about looking bad," Tommy agrees. "He cares about looking gay." He sniffs his line. 

"And that's, thats discrimination!" Nikki says. His anger quickly turns to regret. "...I wish I had the balls to stand up for him. I cant believe I just stood there like a fucking asshole." Another line gone. 

Tommy doesnt say anything, because what can he say when he was being just as cowardly back there? He reaches for Nikki's hand, but Nikki flinches away. Tommy just nods. 

Nikki has started to really like his heroin. At first it scares Tommy. Heroin makes him think of needles and blood and junkies dying on the streets. Nikki doesnt use needles, though. He snorts it, usually mixing it with coke, and it doesnt look so scary that way. When he asks Tommy if he wants to try snorting straight smack for the first time, it's so casual. He asks the question like hes asking Tommy if he wants a beer, and its comforting. If Nikki thinks it's okay to share, Tommy trusts him. Nikki's fingers trace up and down Tommy's naked back when he leans down to take the line. 

It's a lot. Tommy's pretty dizzy, and all he wants to do is shut his eyes. The last thing he sees is Nikki smiling at him before he closes them and sits back. "You okay?" Nikki says into his ear, amused. Tommy mumbles something and Nikki chuckles. It's a little embarrassing to be this fucked up around somebody who can handle their shit, but he knows Nikki doesnt mind. "You're so hot," Nikki mutters against his neck. Nikkis hands are all over him now, and its sensory overload. When a hand brushes gently across his chest Tommy moans. "Do you feel good, baby?" Tommy can feel Nikki's smirk. It turns to languid, wet kisses up and down his neck. "So pretty... fuck..." 

Tommy regains enough consciousness to kiss Nikki, and between the drug high and the romance high, they're both messes. Nikki has his hands tangled in Tommy's hair and keeps rubbing up against him. Tommy smiles lazily and says the only thing his brain is able to conjure up. "Ngh, Nikki, I love you." 

"I love you Tommy," Nikki replies rather desperately, clinging to Tommy tightly. "My fuckin'... perfect... my... love ofmylife. " Nikki's slurred speech doesnt mean a damn thing, because Tommy knows. He knows. 

  
1987  
He's damned if he does, damned if he doesnt. Depending on what he chooses there are varying degrees of regret, but regret nonetheless. Tommy hates letting people down. Hes too empathetic for his own good, and it eats him alive to know hes hurt someone. Tommy knows, though, that people are going to get hurt. Hes going to be one of them. 

Tommy paces back and forth in front of his telephone a few times before lighting a cigarette and finally making the call. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey, Heather?" 

"Oh-- is this Tommy?" 

"Ha, yeah. I'm sorry it took me so long to call you, but uh... I was wondering if youd still like to go out to dinner with me some time?" 

"Yes! I was worried you didnt want to! But I know you're a busy guy. I'd love to go. When are you free?" 

Heather is also always busy, so they finally find a free night a whole month later. It's someplace fancy, and Tommy is way out of his element. He gets there first and has to stand around awkwardly while elderly millionaires look him up and down with scowls, but then Heather arrives. And boy, is she cuter than Tommy remembered. 

Shes small, blonde, and always smiling. Tommy doesnt expect her to have such a vivid personality, but when they sit down hes amazed to find that shes extremely personable and friendly. She's even got a really warped sense of humor, causing her to think all the weird shit Tommy says is funny. Tommy is usually the one doing all the talking, so hes happy to sit back and listen to her talk about herself and her life. He feels self conscious drinking his third glass of wine while shes still on her first, but she gives no indication of judgement. 

When they finish dinner and walk out to the parking lot, Tommy takes a chance and goes to hold her hand. She let's him, and smiles. 

"I'd love to see you again," she says before getting in her car. "You seem like... a really sweet guy." She giggles nervously. 

"Maybe next time you can come over my place and I'll cook us dinner," Tommy smiles. 

"I'd like that." Heather kisses him on the cheek, gets in the car and drives off. 

He gets home and calls Nikki. "Hey man, you still want me to swing by?" 

"Swing by?" Nikki slurs. "Oh, I forgot, I'm sorry T. You can come over, but I got a little high. 'M kinda sleepy now." 

Understatement of the year. "Oh," Tommy says. "I guess I'll just come over tomorrow, then." 

"Aw," Nikki pouts. "You don' wanna hang out with me? Come on, I'll share. Keep me company." 

"Its cool, Nik, I'll sit this one out." 

Tommy doesnt like doing smack with Nikki anymore. 

What started as a show or practice thing became an every weekend thing, and then a couple days a week thing, and finally an every night thing. Now, Tommy will be the first to admit that getting fucked up is great and fun as hell. What isnt fun, though, is watching Nikki shoot up (oh, did Tommy mention that using needles is a thing now?) and pass out next to him for an hour. What isnt fun is holding Nikki's hair out of his face when hes bent over his toilet throwing up. What isnt fun is Nikki calling less and less, wanting to go out less and less... wanting to kiss less and less. Wanting to fuck less and less. 

It all makes Heather that much more appealing, if Tommy's being honest with you. Heather likes spending nights walking around the city, acting like twelve year olds at an arcade, shit like that. Shes always down for something fun. Shes also always down for sex. Heather is a little vanilla in this department, but just how purely affectionate she is makes up for it. 

They can hold hands in public, kiss in public. They can be a couple in front of their friends and family. The media praises them instead of scrutinizing them. Hell, they could even get married if they wanted to. Tommy realizes he can do all the things with Heather he'll never be able to do with Nikki. Nikki realizes this as well. He doesnt take it that great. 

Nikki doesnt make the slightest attempt to get to know Heather or try to like her. It's as if her sheer presence gives him a headache. Hes never acted this way around any of Tommy's other girlfriends. He approached past girlfriends cocky and self-assured; now, Nikki reacts like an animal getting threatened. Hes constantly on the defensive, and ready to fight if he has to. Sometimes he does. 

"I thought we were gonna hit a bar tonight, man, dont bail out on me like this," Nikki whines as Tommy puts his clothes back on. 

"Can you stop guilting me, please? Heather is only gonna be here for three days, dude. I gotta spend time with her." He gets up and goes to Nikki's hotel bathroom to rinse his mouth out with mouthwash. 

Nikki slumps onto the bed. "I remember when you used to bail on people for me. Now I'm the one getting bailed on. Looks like karma is catching up to me." 

Tommy spits and looks at himself in the mirror. "Aw, dude! Theres a hickey on my neck!" He makes a noise of frustration. 

Nikki snorts. "Oops." 

"Do you have any makeup? Come on man, it's like you want me murdered." 

Nikki digs through one of his bags and finds something that'll work. "Maybe I do," he says, handing Tommy the coverup. "You've been annoying me lately." 

Tommy grabs Nikki by the chin and kisses him firmly on his lips. "Just three days. Okay? Can you try not to drive me clinically insane for just a few days?" 

"I guess." Nikki wanders back over to the bed. "You know, maybe I will be able to stay out of your way. Vanity's been bugging me about how much she wants to visit me on tour. I wasnt gonna invite her, but now I think I will." 

Tommy glares at him from the mirror. Nikki simply grins. 

The night goes great. Heather arrives and after some great reunion sex they spend most of the evening cuddling in the hotel bed. They watch a marathon of sitcom reruns, and Heather suggests they stop at the bar down in the lobby to say hello to the rest of the guys and everyone else a part of the tour. They get dressed, walk to the lobby, and almost everyone is chilling down there. Vince and Nikki are at the bar talking to the sound technician and some roadies, Mick is stretched out on a chaise drinking what is probably straight vodka, and other assorted cogs in the tour machine are scattered about. Heather immediately says hello to Mick. She likes him for some reason, and Mick doesnt seem to mind her. They chat, and then go sit at the bar. 

Vince is pretty drunk, but Nikki makes Vince seem like he could pass a breathalyzer. Tommy is well acquainted with Nikki's 'high' face, and it is in full form tonight. "Oh look, it's the lovebirds," Nikki says. 

Heather is uncomfortable. She doesnt respond to the comment and says hello to Vince instead, who gives her a hug. Tommy orders drinks for them and they catch up with Vince while Nikki sulks. Tommy is laughing about how silly and domestic it is that they were laying in bed watching old sitcoms, and then-- boom! 

"Oh, will you shut up already, asshole?" Nikki yells at him. The room is silent. 

Heather is beyond embarrassed, as is Tommy. He stands up, leans over Vince to yell back, "Will you cut the shit and grow up? Knock it off!" Vince doesnt like the middle seat anymore. 

Nikki stares at him for a moment, scoffs, and leaves. Tommy takes a breath and sits down. Vince mouths _woah_. In a few minutes, though, the room is back to normal volume. 

"I just dont understand why he hates me so much!" Heather cries when they're back in Tommy's room. Shes wiping off the mascara dripping down her face with a tissue. "I never did anything to him! Did I ever do something to offend him?" 

"Babe, of course not," Tommy says. He pulls her close. "Nikki is just... hes jealous of me, alright? Jealous that, that I'm in a happy relationship with a gorgeous girl and he isnt. It's all petty, babe. You didnt do anything." 

There's a knock at the door, so after kissing Heather on the head he answers it. Standing there is Mick, a cigarette hanging out of his mouth. "Hey drummer," he says. "You mind taking a walk with me for a minute? We gotta talk." He sounds quite serious. 

He tells Heather he'll be right back and follows Mick to his own room. It's shockingly tidy. Mick gives Tommy a cigarette and says, "So uh, you and Nikki never really do shit like that." 

Tommy rolls his eyes. "I'm not sorry, Mick, he had it coming. He cant just do that." 

"Listen, I don't blame you. I would've throttled him if he talked to me and my woman like that. But the point is, drummer..." Mick sits down awkwardly. "You cant let things get out of hand like this. Start settling whatever beef you have with Nikki before it explodes like it did a couple hours ago." 

"There's really no beef to settle!" Tommy insists. "He was just being a doped out, drunk lunatic!" 

"Hes always a lunatic and you know it. He was mad because you brought the girl with you." 

"That's not my problem." 

"Well, it sort of is your problem. And we need to keep it together as a band so this tour doesnt go down in flames, got it?" 

"How is it my problem?" 

"Your boyfriend, your problem." 

"What?" 

"Stop, enough with the act." 

"We are NOT--" 

"Do you think I'm a complete moron, drummer? I may be old, but I'm not blind, and I can clearly see you two have been disgustingly smitten for god knows how long." 

Tommy blinks. "You knew?" 

"Of course I did! From the minute I auditioned to be in this band I knew the two of you had something going on." 

"And you didn't care?" 

"Not a bit," Mick says. "Listen to me. Before Motley I was just looking for quality guys that really give a shit about their music. That's what you are. That's what Nikki is. I don't care what you do on your own time, that's your business. I'm in it for the music, man. Always have and will be." 

Tommy is still processing all of this, and he has no idea what to say. "Thank you," is all Tommy can manage. 

Mick takes a deep breath. "So get your act together, alright? Work all this relationship crap out. My advice would be this: you cant have both. Make a damn choice. Either cut him loose, or stick with him. Got it?" 

Tommy nods. 

"And if it fucks up this band, I will murder you." 

"Got it," Tommy says quickly. He really believes the the threat. 


	3. Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here it is, the grand finale. Thank you all for your patience, love, and support. xoxo

1988  
It’s driving Tommy absolutely mad. He has enough stress in his life, particularly a new marriage, without Nikki’s bullshit. Why is Nikki doing this to him? Doesn’t Nikki know how this is making him feel? He’s got to, they’re best friends -- or, were best friends. He doesn’t quite know anymore. They’re not exactly acting like best friends as of late. He tells himself that all of this anger will pass. Nikki’s just pissed about him marrying Heather, and once the wound isn’t so fresh he’ll get over it and things will go back to normal. It’s been a year, though, and nothing is normal. 

Nikki manages to get worse and worse, even when Tommy thinks that Nikki has finally found rock bottom. Apparently, Nikki’s rock bottom doesn’t exist, because if being clinically dead for over a minute isn’t it, then what is? Tommy can’t get that night out of his head no matter how hard he tries. Vince calling him in tears crying, “Nikki’s dead, man, he’s fucking dead!” plays in his mind constantly like a broken record. That night was flat out traumatic, and when Tommy found out that Nikki was actually okay, that he actually made it out and cheated death, he was relieved for two reasons: one, that Nikki wasn’t fucking dead, and two, this must’ve meant that he was finally gonna get his act together and kick the smack for good. After putting the people that loved him through all this, he had to, right? 

That never happened. Tommy can’t help but feel like it’s so fucking selfish of Nikki to not even try to stop. Nikki knows how much that close call hurt everyone, but he hasn’t done dick about it. Tommy also can’t help but take it personally. How much can Nikki even love him if he won’t stop after Tommy begs him to with tears in his eyes? Nikki has obviously chosen what he cares about more. He would rather sit in that mausoleum he calls a house all day with Vanity and get fucked up than be with Tommy who actually fucking loves him. 

It all comes to a head backstage in Texas. The show just ended and everyone is cleaning themselves up and getting ready to hit the after party. Tommy is meandering to his dressing room when he sees Nikki and a roadie taking key bumps of heroin on the opposite side of the hallway. Tommy snaps. He stomps over to them, tells Nikki that they need to talk, and practically drags him by the arm to his dressing room. He slams the door shut. 

“What the hell man?” Nikki asks, clearly bothered. “Me and Jim were hanging out, why would you--” 

“Stop playing dumb!” Tommy yells. In a flash of adrenaline he picks up the glass ashtray on the table and throws it at the wall. The shattering shuts Nikki up real fast. “You know why I’m mad, dude! You’ve been getting high all day, and you’re snorting more? You really need more?” 

“Oh my god, why do you care?” he asks, as if this whole conversation is an inconvenience for him. 

“You’re really asking me that? Have you forgotten how much I fucking care about you? You will not make me feel like a dick for not wanting you to die. Again. Is that what you want?” 

“I’m not gonna die, Tommy, fuck!” Nikki says, throwing his hands in the air. “What makes you think you’re in charge of me all of a sudden?” 

Tommy shakes his head. “You know, you’ve got some fuckin’ nerve. You put me through hell and back when you overdosed, and you’re surprised that I’m scared? Fuck you, dude.” 

“I put you through hell?” Nikki asks. “You’ve got a funny way of showing it.”

“What do I have to do, Nikki, kill myself? How can I prove to you how horrible that was? How horrible it still is?” Tommy takes a deep breath and puts his face in his hands. “Why can’t you see how selfish you’re being?” 

Nikki scoffs. “Selfish?”

“Like, you see how much you’re hurting me, and you don’t care! Every night I worry that the next morning you’ll overdose again and I’ll lose you for good, and you don’t care! You haven’t tried to stop, even once! You obviously don’t give a shit about how I feel, you haven’t thought of me once!” 

Nikki stares at him with eyes sharp as razors. “You’re telling me that I haven’t thought of you?” His tone is furious. “I’m the selfish one? Take a look in the mirror, Tommy, are you really that stupid?” 

“What are you talking about?” 

Nikki laughs. “You can be so blind sometimes, Tommy! You get so wrapped up in your own head and your own life that you forget you’ve hurt me just as bad, and you’re a liar if you say you haven’t.” 

“How on earth have I hurt you just as badly?” Tommy challenges. “How is anything I’ve done worse than you almost dying?” 

“You’re such a bastard, Tommy,” Nikki says, shaking his head in disbelief. Tommy thinks he hears Nikki’s voice crack a bit. “You tell me I haven’t thought of you through all this, but you haven’t thought of me either. You didn’t think of me all those times I had to listen to you fuck someone else in the next room. You didn’t think of me every time you blew me off to go be with Heather instead. You didn’t think of me when you ignored my calls because you were with her instead.” Nikki’s voice intensifies with every sentence. “You didn’t think of me all those times I needed you and you weren’t there. You didn’t think of me when you made me be your best man at your fucking wedding, and you didn’t think of me when you made me watch you promise your heart to someone else with a smile on my fucking face!” Tears begin to well in the corners of Nikki’s eyes. “You didn’t care how that was going to make me feel! All you cared about was looking good for everyone else while I was fucking dying inside. I never would have done that to you, Tommy. I never would have made you do what you made me do. Never.” 

Tommy is stunned into absolute silence. He’s never seen Nikki cry, and suddenly there are tears rolling down Nikki’s gaunt face. He didn’t know Nikki felt as bad as he just revealed to feel. Tommy knew that Nikki didn’t want him to get married, yeah, but… he didn’t know Nikki saw it that way. He didn’t know he had cut Nikki far deeper than he’d meant to. That some way, somehow, Tommy must be responsible for Nikki’s out of control behavior. If Nikki had died last year, it would be Tommy’s fault. Fuck. 

“You pushed me away, Tommy,” Nikki sobs out. “I’m not enough for you, so you pushed me away. It’s not my fault that I can’t give you everything that Heather can give you, Tommy! Because you know that if I could, I would. I really, really, would.” Nikki wipes his eyes. “But you made your choice. That isn’t my fault.” Nikki leaves, and Tommy is broken. 

The next day comes and first thing in the morning, Tommy calls Nikki to apologize. Nikki doesn’t say much, just half-heartedly forgives him. That night they have sex, and it’s been a while, so much so that everything feels a bit new again. 

1995  
Everything is such a whirlwind. Tommy doesn’t even feel tired anymore, just sort of numb and dissociated. He only sees Nikki to practice and perform, never just for fun these days. The same goes for the rest of the guys, actually. Tommy Lee, drummer of Motley Crue feels like somebody else. Like someone dead. He hasn’t felt like that guy in quite a long time now. 

Things with Pam went so fast he didn’t even have time for second thoughts. When they got married nine months ago, he thought it was what he wanted. Nikki showed up at the wedding with some chick he seemed happy with. At that point Nikki had kicked dope for a solid few months, and it was the first time in years Tommy had seen him look so healthy. He looked fantastic, actually. It made Tommy a little jealous to see Nikki with a wife and two babies. 

Heather hadn’t wanted kids, and Pam does. Tommy isn’t getting any younger so they’re always trying to conceive. It’s not proving to be easy. It leaves him very frustrated with himself, and sometimes he can’t help but take it out on Pam. They fight more than he’d like to. It leaves a hole in Tommy that he can’t fill no matter how much he drinks. 

It causes him to do something he never thought he would do. At a party he’s approached by a guy that looks like he can’t be older than twenty-five. Tommy instantly starts chatting with him because he’s never had a problem starting conversation, and because the guy is incredibly good looking. Tommy isn’t sure if he’s being flirted with or not-- he can’t tell if the kid is just an overzealous fan, or if he’s actually trying to fuck. That question is answered when the guy touches his arm and asks Tommy if he’d like to go somewhere a little more private. 

He’s never had sex with a guy that isn’t Nikki. He’d had threesomes with Nikki and another guy, but this was different. The sex turns out to be awesome. He hasn’t had sex that good in a while. It’s funny, he never even got the kid’s name. 

Pam is pissed when he gets home at the crack of dawn. She’s convinced that he went home with some woman he met at the party. That wasn’t true; it was a man, and they went to a motel. He tells Pam that she’s over-reacting. “I was at the party the whole time, babe! I got wasted so I slept it off there until I could drive home.” 

She puts her hands on her hips. “And why should I believe that?” 

“Because it’s the truth. I did not go home with another woman, okay? You’re just gonna have to believe me.” 

As Tommy snuggles up to Pam in bed a little while later, she sniffs his hair. “That’s weird,” she says. “That’s not the cologne you usually wear, is it?” 

2010  
Having preteen sons is a trip and a half. It’s even crazier since they both look and act just like him, which brings Tommy a lot of joy but also a lot of fear. He shares custody of the kids with Pam and gets them on weekends, and he’s happy that her shitty attitude hasn’t rubbed off on them. His youngest son says to him one day, “Mom is mad at you a lot.” 

“Ha, yeah, I bet,” Tommy replies. 

“Why?” 

He thinks about how to answer that. “Mom is mad at me for a lot of things I did in the past. And she’s allowed to be. I did some bad things but I’ve learned since then. You always have to learn from your mistakes, you know? Even adults mess up sometimes.” 

“Will she get mad at me if I mess something up?” he asks. 

“No, no way! Your mom loves you a whole bunch. She’s always going to be there to catch you when you fall. And if she isn’t, I will be. You’ve got nothing to worry about, kid.” 

“Why are you and mom not together?” 

“Ah, just… it’s just complicated adult stuff. You don’t need to worry about it.” 

“And why does she hate your friend?” 

Tommy raises an eyebrow. “What friend?” 

“Gunner’s dad.” 

“Nikki? When did she say that to you?” 

“She didn’t, I just heard her say it on the phone.” 

Tommy’s stomach did a bit of a flip. “They just never got along, that’s all.” 

Since Tommy’s divorce, he started hanging out with Nikki again. Not only had Nikki remained clean, but he even stopped drinking. He told Tommy he stopped smoking too, but steals a cigarette every now and then if they’re sitting outside. Nikki is always working on a project of some kind. He tells Tommy all about the things he’s writing, his photography, what his kids are up to, everything. Everything except anything about Nikki, personally. Nikki dodges questions about his dating life regularly, and he never talks about the romantic relationship that he and Tommy once shared. Tommy even tries to bring it up under the guise of reminiscing, but Nikki always changes the subject. 

It makes Tommy sad. Nikki must have really moved on. How come it’s so easy for Nikki while Tommy struggles with it all the time? It seems to be getting worse as he gets older, too. The longer he’s away from Nikki romantically, the more he begins to miss it. As much as it hurts, he can’t blame Nikki. If Tommy could move on, he would too. All the lying and hiding really wears down your soul. It was hard as hell being with Nikki. Hard, but Tommy would go back in an instant. 

He has these dreams where Nikki tells him that it was a mistake to ever be apart, that they should’ve just been together all along and what a waste of time it was to think differently. Then they kiss, reunite, and fall in love all over again. The dreams never come true. In an attempt at self-preservation Tommy drowns the feelings in alcohol and sometimes coke and often casual sex with strangers. If it’s a man he ends up in bed with sometimes he’ll close his eyes and pretend it’s Nikki. He’s not proud of this fact. 

Nikki is happy now. He’s happier than he’s ever been since Tommy has known him. He wishes he could make Nikki that happy. He wishes he could go back in time and fix all the mistakes he made. He was too young then, too stupid, not ready to handle such a degree of love. He wishes he met Nikki later in life, but maybe he still would’ve messed it up. 

“I’m eight years clean and sober today,” Nikki says the next time they get together. 

“Holy shit, eight? Already?” Tommy exclaims. 

“Yeah, time flies, doesn't it?” Nikki chuckles. 

Tommy abruptly throws his arms around Nikki, pulling him into a hug. Nikki flinches, but hesitantly hugs him back. “I’m so proud of you,” Tommy says into Nikki’s hair. 

“Really?”

“Fuck yeah I am! I’ve never been more proud.” 

Nikki relaxes into the hug. “I’m glad we made it this far.”

“Me too, Nik.”

“You’ll always be that scrawny seventeen year old to me, though.” 

Tommy laughs, and he isn't sure if he's crying from happiness or not. 


End file.
